Poker Faces & Empty Screens

paper thin.

Sunday 5th Dec 2010

Hi~OMG I'm sorry I've been MIA~

being busy with my father and my sister is back home~

Have watched Skyline, Rapunzel, and Narnia 3D last week. have a movie marathon 2 movies on 1 night. i think its a little too much to catch up after that. too many movies at once. anyhow~ do ring me for another round of Rapunzel and Narnia please, i was late about 20minutes on the start for both movie. uhh how did it happen? don't mention it.

recently i often feel like this picture. EXACTLY. 

how should i put these feelings in words?

i don't know...

i slept with a smile on yesterday night.. waking up realizing that i dreamed of you. i pull you, you walked off. that made me doubt everything again. 

that is also why i dont have confidence to begin new with him...

6th Dec 2010
woke up at 11am.. empty screen.. fall back asleep and woke up at 2pm, empty screen. every half an hour, empty screen. 4.29pm something pop out. 7pm.. empty screen. every 20 minute..empty screen. 8pm..empty screen. 


Menn came and fetch me around 8:30pm, got in the car and found out she's on the phone with JWei.. drove over to his house, waited for him to bathe ~ plan changed from D'Rich,SS2 to Snowflake, Sunway Giza. Menn suggest that we go to Desa Park City~ luckily we got a seat in Snowflake, or not I can't really work with eating in her car =/ .. 
JWei drove to DPC!! yeahh.. scare the hell out of me, when he suddenly break so hard for fun. == the whole driving-time ever since I step into her car reminds me of you. who speeds?..right? especially when JWei tried to speed on the high way...


10pm..lost patient. I sent a text message. 10:10pm..empty screen. purposely wrote something on my FB wall..yet, empty screen. 10:38pm..empty screen. I'm practically losing my mind there. shut my volume & vibration down. so wanted to shut the whole damn phone. or maybe just throw it into the pond. 11pm.. empty screen, reached home. headache.


here I am now. still living half deadly. 
When I woke up this morning, I try to recall what have we talk about yesterday. how things have change. how...deep I'm in trouble now. sigh. 


I don't know should I invite you into my world. I'm afraid I'll hurt you again. I'm scare of my decision would be wrong again. I don't have any confidence in us now. I have no idea what I want. but... today, you left me like this, and I'm barely breathing every sec. All the down and... emotion. ALL MESSED UP! I don't dare to want you because I'm use to pushing people away. A total loser in confidence. None have succeed to pull me back, gave me reasons and stay by my side, and help me thru all my difficulties. none.. I can't ask this from you..can I? 


I pushed you away. but then I can't live without you. 
what. on. earth. is. this?!!


MiN ; LexCee


ps : fair enough to call this heart broken?

Skipped All

a 2000 words post fitted into this picture. 

digest it. 

xoxo

MiN ; Lexcee

ps : or you guys want the original post? LOL.

Cupid's Crooked Arrow

stroked me 

‘he`s not calling me maybe because..’

‘he`s not chillin` with me maybe because..’

‘he`s not replying to my messages maybe because..’

‘he`s not coming over to talk to me maybe because..’

‘he was being mean to me maybe because..’

‘he hurt my feelings maybe because..’

how many excuses you can think of to finish all the above sentences?

‘he`s not calling me maybe because his phone broke and lost my number.’

‘he`s not chillin` with me maybe because he has a lot going on.’

‘he`s not replying to my messages maybe because he never got them.’

‘he`s not coming over to talk to me maybe becausehe`s playing hard to get.’

‘he was being mean to me maybe because he doesn`t wanna seem soft.’

‘he hurt my feelings maybe because he`s hurting too.’

we come up with all these possible excuses and lies, so that we don’t feel bad

but really, the truth is .. 

‘he`s not calling because he doesn`t want to.’ 

‘he`s not chillin` with me because he has better things to do.’

‘he`s not replying to my messages because they`re not important.’

‘he`s not coming over to talk to me because he has nothing to say to me.’

‘he was being mean to me because he doesn`t feel like being nice.’

‘he hurt my feelings because he could care less.’

Status up date? kinda...

== .. actually I've wrote it out somewhere in my diary. but I'm lazy to type it out. or, you can say that, I don't want to dig it up. I'll pin point it kay?


- finally decided to give up on a guy I've been admiring since high school.
- life is good after that. thinking that the next one would like me for who I am.
- attended a reunion and met an old friend there.
- got close, started chatting everyday.
- social circle went bigger, realize an old friend that is actually quite adorable.
- start to hang out with this selected bunch of guys. my crush, mr, adorable and bear.
- things is getting attach to everyone, keeping secrets isn't easy.
- nothing is in progress between me and my crush, he doesn't want to get into an relationship, or he is just not ready. 
- I decided to give him 2nd chance/last chance. but.. it was not appreciated. 
- I was confuse, disappointed and upset.
- Decided to let him go. and just leave things as it is.


you all can LOL at every point. because I did.
living my life, my own way now. like it or not I don't really care. 
I'm tired this. 
We'll just be friends :)


         xoxo
Ee MiN ; alexis


ps : since you like 顺其自然 so much. then 顺其自然 if I fall for someone else, then 顺其自然 la ha.

Excuse Me, Boy.

what am i trying to say is...

Saturday 16 October 2010

The day that I can't wait for it to come is finally here~ so so so happy. But the first thing I realize when I woke up this morning was.. my left eyes became worse from it's swollen. I look exactly like =.- this. hahahaha. I got an idea of the-egg. 

So i went and boil one. HAHAHA. but girl, hard boiled egg are for blue-blacks? xD Well.. I'm not sure, but it worked out quite fine~ my swollen became smaller ^^ took a short nap because my tummy was having some air, till 2pm got a call to have lunch/dinner at Pp's house before going BFact. 

Nandos~!!!

We watched Repo Man and then I totally hangkei in the ending == after that we watched La Comedien ~ xD 

Shockingly I can't finish my food. I ate till half of everything then cannot tahan already.. Slowly slowly stuck it down my throat. hahaha. rawr. Got ready by 7pm+ and then things started to mess up. Got in the car to Pp's shop to change car, and then to Sea Park Caring Pharmacy to buy some medicine for her Mom and then to pick up JWei from his house then.. finally~ to Sunway Giza :) 

All of us were hungry, I made a deal with Pp.. we go Snowflake then only Beer Factory. hahax so we did :)

Pp's~ has become her favorite

red bean, my favorite

JWei's~ hahaha he didn't like it, neither did all of us. xD

i look pathetic :)

was wearing a new dress Mom brought, but later on I think I screwed it ==

HAHAHAHA

Let's see.. October Fest @ Beer Factory, Sunway Giza.

WMenn, KYing, JWei, Pp, Nick, RDe, his friend, YFoong, KJian, SHau and maybe another 10-14 more people. 

That night at BeerFactory was boring~ messy music, messy people.. Got the crowd but they're not always there. LOL. Don't like it, it look so miserable. Jeez. I got upset because somebody didn't made an effort to sit next to me. I think I deserve something that night, but I thought wrong. He's ''shyness'' overcome my everything. So unfair. Really angry + sad. Can't stand the atmosphere after Pp went back, RDe suggested to go somewhere else for 2nd round since it's so boring here.. KJian, YFoong, JWei and I went to PURE recommended by RDe (:

Well.. the music is good, the dancers~ the ''entertainment''~ LOL. It's at Desa Park City, just turn 9o clock at the round a bout instead of 3o clock (: 

So emo much that night, but I wasn't drunk nor tipsy. woot, strong girl is back. LOL. hahaha. Manage to put things behind and enjoy myself with another group of friends.. really gotta thank RDe for that (: he cheered me up in his way, funny-odd way. haha. Later on he dropped me off to WMenn's house and I stayed over night at her place. 

I was memang pist at her, didn't really want to go to her place too. But later on I sort things out, got to let her understand why am I angry at her and then everything was solved (: had a good night sleep and then woke up at 7am. 

xoxo

Ee MiN ; alexis

ps : My actual plan was to confess at this night, to yoU. but you didn't make any move, and nothing was there. This IS your 2nd chance, but nothing was appreciated. I decided to give up, leave the place and enjoy myself with the guys. 

Forgive you? Let me think about it.

Romantic Dreams Must Die

so-close, was waiting

where.. nor how should I start..

I've been thinking of this ''thing'' very much lately.. 

OKAY. 

So.. life has been good ever since I decided to move on and get over YoU. Think positively and just move. And then I started attending the F.A.P.Course.. Friends over that side knew that I'm single and is happy with my life. 

Everything was fine. Happily fine. 

Then come a day. A random, last minute outing. I don't blame him for inviting me, I AM in the group too, there's nothing wrong for me to be there, or self-invitation. I was quite excited after hearing that hE would be there too.. After the yamcha section, after that night.. I don't know where did the feeling or the curiosity come out from. Where did that feeling come from? Did I think too much, again on hiS status? Misunderstandings always occur. 

We started messaging each other every night and day, seeing each other, hang out together almost every week. Messages make you feel closer.. it give you some kind of imaginary images or the wrong feeling. Messages can't talk, you can misunderstand some words. You wouldn't know the tonality of the whole conversation. Seeing each other, but still so afraid. Why can't you see me straight into my eyes? That doubts me.. is my make up ruined? Is there something wrong with my face? Coming to think of it.. it's kinda rude for you to do so. Yess, you and I were shy. But not to that limit please? I hate hang outs that doesn't even speak a word. Awkward much, very much. My mood was unpleasant that night. I needed a talk.. or even a joke could work. But both of us was silent all the way. Why the long-road, why the jams, it all make things harder to face.

Then come the drunk-ard-day. 
I met up with HiM at the night, true. I did not regret that I asked a random, silly question. It was killing me all the while, I was just needed the answer. I need to know. Then so I can let go. I wasn't planning to make a fool out of you two. Really.


I was into hiM that time. It's true that I've never forget HiM, till I met hiM. That question, was just a question. I don't mean anything else. Now that question is answered, so case close.  


Now that things became like this, people are talking crap, and spreading crap. I come to realize the difference in you two. Yess, sadly, sorry, I'm comparing. I realize that was a crush. An idiot told me, ''crush only last for 4 months, it's your 2nd month now, how do you feel?'' , what a caring-bastard. I thought I can make a difference in your life. I know we aren't suitable to be together. I said before, we look like brother-sister instead of couple. But I didn't mind. Really. But now.. I can't give you what you want, I can't have what I want from you too. I see there's no moving forward in our path now. I did hope before, I did wish, I did work on it. But I can't, really can not do it alone without your help. 


I seriously, don't want to give up on you. yoU are the only person I met after giving up on HiM. Although I received a confess but I'm sorry he isn't who I wanted. He is a good friend, a good colleague. And now we are still best friend thru the phone. 


Boyy, what should I do now to stabilize our relationship..? 
I am about to give up on us. I really don't know what to do. Nothing is in progress. Maybe if I put aside all these thoughts then maybe something will work out. Treat you normally and think that we are just normal friends. No special cares, no special text messages, no surprise meetings.. will that be easier? I should bet on it. 


xoxo
Ee MiN ; alexis


ps : HiM and I are still friends :) very thankful.

I, Less Than, Slash, Three, Life.

Do you know the feeling?

When you feel like crying but you just can't?

And it just hanging in your throat

It is hard to breathe,

Hard to cry?

Why the hell are you holding back?!

Just Shine A Light

words that i dont even mean.

Sunday 3 October 2010

how sad can you get to eat a burger??

hahaha. pretty sad right? rawr. it's art. xD


Do you remember the 24/7 on call duty? 
Yeah.. now the phone is ringing.

Went to Reyon this morning.. helped Aunt to take care of the shop.. I was suppose to study. I was studying. And then too bored == I started counting something really stupid and lame. It existed long time ago. Haha. And look what I've got. That reminded me that I can't be close to Sagittarius. 


LOL. 
Like I care about tarot cards. 

JYJ New Album Showcase 
Live in Malaysia~ 

2pm, 17th Oct 2010

Stadium Negara


pre-sale ticket at KL Plaza [ Fahrenheit 88]

Freak out. Totally. Came online after coming home from the shop and then thought I missed the ticket sales yesterday. TIMZHI, it is 3rd of OCT! 


Called Mom, Enic, and then Vonne! YEY! I'm going to get my tickets~! woohooo
Vonne was like. make sure can take me. take me! xD

It was late afternoon when I arrive there. Praying real hard that they still have tickets =) 

and Yessss they still have =D 
I got the RM109 my self. IM BROKE. hahaha.
Later on, Mom said, why didn't I get the RM303 rock zone ==''

RM 6 is included for Admin fee. Like I know what is that. LOL. == funny case when she said extra RM6. Ooh, anything lah. Just give me the ticket.

RAWR!!! If only Mom was back in time to sponser me! 

I would have get the RM309 Rock Zone. 

T____T

I want it.

SO BADLY!!!!!!

=) ticket pricing..

I saw on some blog that.. 

1st two roll of VIP seat is RM1000

how sweeeeeet~ 

I'm not rich. 

only Cassiopeia can do this <3

although this and that happened... I'm still a Cassiopeia :)

stand by JYJ & HoMin <3 yongwonhi 

so peace~!

my breakfast! 
at 4pm ==''

yummy~!! banana, chocolate topping ^^

Got the news about JYJ Showcase last week.. didn't get the chance to talk about it with Mom nor Dad. == Mom just came back from 5 days trip to Pulau Tioman :) A business trip, but she had fun <3 glad about that. Hardly get to breathe around here. LOL. 


Last minute got to know that the ticketing sale is today. Gave Mom a call, and luckily she allowed. 


Dear Mom,
JYJ you know?!
JaeJoong, YooChun, JunSu ahh!! 
DBSK ahh!! 
If you don't let me go this time, there won't be a 2nd chance already 
So, THANK YOU  for keeping in silence and I just ran to KL xD


Annie said,
it would be foolish of you to not go.
It's the 1st Korean Idol Group you love.
and they're the BEST.
And now you're telling me you don't know you wanna go or not?!
Are you insane?!
If I were you, I would go. 


^^ go loh. 
although MinMin is not there...
But I still got JaeJae =D


xoxo
Ee MiN ; alexis


weee~

Friday Night Baby Are You Sleeping?

come out and play!

Friday 1st October 2010

It is a brand new month and a brand new day.. I thought it would be wonderful. It was suppose to be. Until somebody got all over protective and such. 

I was at home till 7pm.. Went out to watch a movie with SHau @ The Curve :)

Was late for the movie because of the traffic.. but catched up with the story line later on.. it is a god movie :) blaaaaa no sure he enjoyed or not.. because after all it is kinda romantic and slow moving.. harhar. 

I felt awkward because it had been 2 weeks since the last meeting. and those texts make me felt so close.. yet. now it seems so far... =[

yess.. because i want to play the swing we went to Sahara :) 

Called Drey and we played candles ^^ pictures are from Drey <3

Mr. NKG made it to meet us for basketball.. ^^ 
thankyou so much~

l left early. 

Few minutes after KHoo came. ==

So sorry. 

Not gonna to talk about it now.. =S some other time kay :)

promise. 

the pictures are awesome~!

so I post it up.

Hope you guys don't~ mind~ 

I lied that I was fine. 

xoxo

Ee MiN ; alexis

ps : cried the whole night, had swollen eyes the next day == 

status : hurt. 

from <3 : am sorry. am up set. am giving up on yoU. if I do so.. will yoU pull me back..?

An Option Please?

im more than that

Hey Humans~! 

Sorry about all the emotional post and stuffs xD 

life is hard isn't it? hahax.

Yeah~ school have been hard. All stated on the previous post.. Heard things and I don't know how exactly to over come it or face it.. rawr. 

''he is targeting you'' 

LOLS ''seriously?'' LAME. 

haha skip that? 

nahh. 

Monday 27 September 2010

Back to class.. had English today and some public speaking any free topic. ^^ I crapped about how I got my braces done.. haha fail~ xD 

After the usual class, Mr._ came and talk to us.. I got praised on certain things and I was really happy about it.. :) 

Tuesday 28 September 2010

tough tough tough. It was a tough day =S .. 

First of all, I didn't know we were having an extra class today at 12pm. Woke up late this morning and met up late with Via & KB at KL Plaza, now known as Fahrenheit 88. I want to meet up early to catch up with the works I missed when I was sick. This morning-meeting made me felt a little uneasy.. first is the homework we're panic-king, then the exam which is next week, and then some other rumors also.. see this is the 1st thing that up set me.

During class today, we had public speaking too :) My instructor was a little up set because half of us was absent for the extra class he had this morning. I have no idea why others classmate who did the public speaking today was up set too. All their stories are personal, sad, disappointment.. The atmosphere became more and more tense, one after another story. I can't take it anymore, I excuse myself to the washroom. Why is everyone mourning? What day is today?! I got up set too, feel like I can burst into tears anytime if I stay in the class. Decided to cheer the atmosphere. I went into the class and wait for my turn to speak. But == Sir didn't allow me to have it. He skipped my turn and started teaching on the text book. I was shock, disappointed and irritated. BLEK! haha. I was ready to tell me story, I want to do a little changes to the mood of the class. RAWR~! this is the 2nd thing that up set me.

Yesterday we were given a homework by Mr._ and I forgotten to fill in 1 last question. That question was pretty hard, was late to discuss it with my classmates so I handed in the class's work late. Later on, Mr._ came in and discussed the work with us. He pointed only to Via & I because, after the class we asked for his permission to leave earlier, because we will be having our language class at 7pm later. That time was already 6pm+, we both haven had our lunch, for me, I haven had any meal for the whole day. Sorta feel like dying already. But he didn't allow. And all the lectures came up forward. 3rd thing.

I felt offended. Indirectly. Got pretty sad after that. The lecture ended at 7:30pm. And I was freaking late to my K class already so I informed the language office that I will be absent again, and wish to change my class to once a week with a new teacher. Luckily they understood my situation and allowed me to change it :) will be starting the class all over again on the 27 OCT ^^ bumped into Thony after I settle my things at the office and later on the hostel group xD Very nice of them to let me join them for dinner, I was starving~~~~ xD so we went to Pavilion :)

It is my 1st time hanging out with them after class.. haha. sad and stupid right? After 3 months together and this is the FIRST time. jeez, totally fail in blending in. hahaha. Belle brought Subway for the 1st time!! woohooo~ haha introduced her to Tuna since it's Tuesday also.. haha. Glad she love it ^^ it's my favorite though =D the rest of us, Thony, Dan, Sun, Rul and I had dishes from the food court :) We walked around BB and then watch a performance by the street.. then headed to the monorail to go home :) it was a lovely night.. so caring ^^

I got to know that they were planning a Genting trip this Thursday and I was so excited to join them ^^ tonight I heard a lot of things from them too.. things that benefits me, things that warned me :) there is when all the emotional things start flowing in >< accumulate all the 3 things and I got all emotional~ =X 

Wednesday 29 September 2010

So because half of us missed the extra class yesterday so we gonna have it today instead ^^ From 12pm till 1:30pm. Had public speaking, I spoke about the camp to Pulau Kapas with OPClub during High School ^^ Jeez.. my past tense failed. hahaha. I was glad that my story or the way I express it didn't bored my classmates hahaha. Everyone had our turn.. luckily today's story is better than yesterday's haha. Or else I'll die of all this mourning. xD 

Had lunch with Sir at the coffee shop further down our centre.. Elle, Nice, Fern, Via, Sir & I ^^ chit chat with Sir and it was a funny lunch :) appreciate that. haha. Back to class and all the rest of my classmate have arrived :) Started class with the textbook and then public speaking again. Thony's group did it first, we called it the 1st group. hahaha. then my group, the 2nd one.. Sadly only 2 from my group get to do the public speaking because we are running out of time. I repeated my story all over again, wishing it will be better this time, and it is! =D Sir said it's good, but can be better :) OHYA! We have a new classmate today too ^^ gaaa.. I forgotten her name == Blaaaa. but she is pretty, woot, part time model of course pretty lah. stupid de. xD

Today Mr._ didn't come in =S .. he was out station. weee~ xD enough stress already. Wanna disappear straight after class. harhar. Took the Monorail with Fern today and I got the bus before she did. Felt a little sorry =( haaaaaaaaaa.. today was a relieve :) can study nicely already.. LOLS haha. 

I was just over stressed these few days :) 

Everything is fine now.. at least for now <3

xoxo

Ee MiN ; alexis

from <3 : so close, yet so far?